Growing Up

Since we last spoke, I celebrated a birthday. Many people will laugh at the fact I was anxious about turning 19, but in all honesty, the idea filled me with absolute dread. I think there was something disheartening about it being my last year of being a teenager. When I turned 18, there was so much to be excited about. I could drink (legally). I could gamble. I could buy cigarettes. Sure, half of these were things I never had any desire to do, but it was exciting. I was an adult.

I’ve been an adult for a whole year now. When I was younger, I thought that once I was an adult, everything would make sense – I thought that ‘grown ups’ knew it all. I was wrong. Sometimes I feel like everyone else has read some book that tells you how to be an adult, or maybe there was a class I missed because I was too busy watching repeats of Doctor Who. Perhaps I could pretend to be a proper adult because I lived away from home at university, but living off of pizza and ready meals hardly equips me for life’s big challenges. I still don’t understand mortgages. I couldn’t tell you the slightest thing about the stock exchange. And when the hell am I going to start enjoying gardening?

I think I’m starting to understand why I dreaded it so much now though. I felt like I should have achieved something by now, or I should know a whole lot about the world. The media is filled with stories about these 13-year-old geniuses and Grammy/Oscar/Tony/Nobel Peace Prize/World’s Greatest Person Ever Award winning 17-year-olds, and I couldn’t help but feel that I should have done something amazing by now. In a world that’s getting older, why is there so much pressure on young people? I think for now, I need to sit back and relax, and enjoy being young. I’ve got a degree to finish, and then hopefully the world will be my oyster.

A few years from now, maybe I’ll have my head screwed on a little tighter, and I can head out into the big wide world and do scary grown up things like worry about credit ratings. For now though, it’s time to hold on to nineteen, and squeeze out a few more of those sulky teenage tantrums while I can.

2 Comments
by Conscientious Ambitioner on September 5, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in Random Thoughts
Tagged , , , , ,

Posted by Conscientious Ambitioner on September 5, 2013

https://confessionsofanintrovertblog.wordpress.com/2013/09/05/growing-up/

Unpretty

Self esteem is a funny thing. Something you can easily have too much of, but have too little of it and your life can easily become a mess. The one thing that companies can always exploit is self esteem. From beauty products to ‘How To Look Good Naked’, it’s unsurprising we live in a world that’s obsessed with looks. Heck, all five teenage boys have to do is sing a song about insecure girls looking beautiful, and they get propelled into global stardom.

I know that in these types of posts, I’m supposed to blame skinny models and celebrities who get photoshopped in magazines. In all honesty though, I don’t. To me, people only aspire to be like celebrities when they already have confidence issues. When I was younger, my self esteem issues came as a direct result of nasty teenage boys. One boy told someone who I thought was my friend that he thought I was really ugly, and they both laughed at me together. One boy suggested that maybe I should start wearing more make up. Now I know I shouldn’t make sweeping generalisations, and there are teenage boys in the world that would never make these types of comments, so maybe I should just attribute it to their hormones and laugh it off and say, ‘Well, boys will be boys!’. I don’t think this is fair though. People seem to underestimate the effect that words can have, and I think it’s time that we addressed this. Since when did it become OK to laugh in someone’s face because of the way they look? When did we start judging appearance above character? I think the place to start would be teaching people to be good people, and maybe those boys would know how to treat people in real life.

When I was younger I figured that people were lying when they said, ‘It gets better’. I thought they were just saying that because it made themselves feel better. I was wrong. I grew up, found friends who care about me, and found something I enjoy doing. Sure, I do still feel self conscious about it sometimes. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. What I have found though, is that I couldn’t care less about guys who only care about appearance. When I dress myself up and head into town with friends, it’s easy to feel the stares of some guys. It may feel good for a minute, but then I remember that I’m worth more than that. There’s so much more to me than my appearance.

Those boys who called me ugly couldn’t have been more wrong. They spoke more about their personality than they ever did about the way I look. Incidentally, one of them asked me out the other day. I can assure you that I took absolute delight in rejecting him.

Leave a comment
by Conscientious Ambitioner on August 20, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in Random Thoughts
Tagged , , , , ,

Posted by Conscientious Ambitioner on August 20, 2013

https://confessionsofanintrovertblog.wordpress.com/2013/08/20/unpretty/

An introvert goes holidaying

For the first time in what feels like forever, I went on holiday last week. My mum decided it would be nice to go on holiday with the whole family, so this also included my stepdad, my brother, my two sisters, my stepbrother and my stepsister. It was a busy but relaxing week, so I thought I’d fill you in on my thoughts about my trip to the Greek island of Kos.

  1. The Greeks have a relaxed attitude to putting locks on toilet doors. While this may be fine in the comfort of your own home, this made me deeply uncomfortable in public, I mean, anyone could walk in on you. And then they did. A stranger walked in on me in the toilet. Luckily I was finished peeing, but still. She didn’t knock, and didn’t really apologise either. Needless to say, I was mortified, and this just added to my discomfort of public toilets.
  2. The people who work in the town of Tigaki, where I stayed, were absolutely lovely. They always had smiles on their faces, and would do anything to make sure you felt welcome. It made a pleasant change.
  3. As an avid internet user and general stayer-inner, let’s just say my skin is pretty much always an unnatural shade of pasty white. Until now, that is. Greece has only gone and managed to give me a tan. Sure, to the untrained eye my skin is still vampirish, but I have got a tan. I have got a tan. If I keep saying it, you’ll believe me, won’t you?
  4. There is only so much I can be around my family, and being on holiday is something that really tests that. Luckily, it was not nearly as bad as it could have been, and I really enjoyed myself. That being said, I did find myself sneaking off for the occasional nap, just so I could be alone for a bit.
  5. The sunset in the town of Zia is unbelievably beautiful. Please excuse the fact I only took the photo on my camera phone, but I just really want to share this sunset with the world.

Sunset in Zia

P.S. A big Thank You to Khinjarsi for my nomination, I will aim to fulfill the rules in my next post!

Leave a comment
by Conscientious Ambitioner on August 5, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in Random Thoughts
Tagged , , , ,

Posted by Conscientious Ambitioner on August 5, 2013

https://confessionsofanintrovertblog.wordpress.com/2013/08/05/an-introvert-goes-holidaying/

Good things and bad things

Firstly, I would like to apologise for my recent absence from writing. I’ve been ill, had three family birthdays and my sister’s graduation. It’s been a busy time, which is a grand departure from the norm. Perhaps even more surprising is the current weather situation here in England. It’s hot. Sticky hot. So hot you can barely walk for 5 minutes without dehydrating. The type of hot where you just can’t sleep at night, so spend the whole day tired. The sun and heat was welcome at first, but unfortunately, it gets very old very fast. You’d think that English people would never miss the rain – yet here I am, waiting for some sort of relief from the heatwave.

Good things and bad things have happened over the past week, and I feel like this is one of those times to appreciate the good. Over the past week, my mum, my nan and my step-mum have all celebrated a birthday, and these are always times to celebrate. My sister graduated from the University of Nottingham with a first class honors degree – I watched on as a proud little sister. These are the moments that people will remember forever- and the mixture of emotions I have felt this week reminded me of this quote from Doctor Who:

“The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant” – The Doctor

When bad things happen, I have a tendency to focus all of my energy on them, and they end up consuming my life. This post is here to make sure that I always remember the good, and that everyone else does. The good doesn’t have to be life changing stuff – the good can be catching up with old friends, dancing around to cheesy classics or just sitting in the sun and watching the world go by. Just always make sure you make time for the good – life’s too short to focus on the bad.

P.S. I would also like to apologise for inundating you with Doctor Who quotes. I promise that I will broaden my collection, and will try to hold back from spouting the Doctor’s words of wisdom at you!

Leave a comment
by Conscientious Ambitioner on July 17, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in Random Thoughts
Tagged , , , , , ,

Posted by Conscientious Ambitioner on July 17, 2013

https://confessionsofanintrovertblog.wordpress.com/2013/07/17/good-things-and-bad-things/

Some thoughts about writing

“My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations” – John Green, The Fault In Our Stars

Before I begin, let me tell you that if I could quote you this whole book, I definitely would. However, it’s a bit illegal and I don’t want John Green to be annoyed with me (he is perhaps one of my favourite people whom I have never met). I’ve spoken before about my love of this book, so please bear with me while I ramble on about it some more. While the book is about a 16 year old girl with terminal cancer, it’s so much more than another sad book about cancer. It is, in essence, a love story and a brilliant one at that. I urge everyone to find a copy and read it, I just love it and I hope other people will too.

This quote in particular is one that stands out to me. I’ve always been one to stumble over my words as I speak, and I never manage to say quite the right thing. Thinking of the best thing to say has always posed problems for me, and I either spend too long caught up in my own thoughts that I forget to speak, or I just say the wrong thing. The advantage that comes from writing rather than speaking is that I have the opportunity to go back over what I’ve typed and I can edit to my heart’s content. No matter how much I do this, however, what I write never feels right. My brain seems to think in ways that I cannot express well enough with words. Believe me when I say I spend ages typing and retyping, trying to find the best way to illustrate my thoughts. I would never claim to be a perfectionist though, more likely an amateur.

I suppose that’s what so great about writing a blog though. I don’t need to be an expert at writing (as lovely as that would be). I can just write. I may never be able to explain myself fully, but I’ll give it my best shot. I just hope to always have an audience as brilliant as you.

Leave a comment
by Conscientious Ambitioner on July 1, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in Quotes
Tagged , , , ,

Posted by Conscientious Ambitioner on July 1, 2013

https://confessionsofanintrovertblog.wordpress.com/2013/07/01/some-thoughts-about-writing/

A hand to hold

“There’s a lot of things you need to get across this universe. Warp drive… Wormhole refractors… You know the thing you need most of all? A hand to hold.” – The Doctor

I absolutely adore this quote (I suppose that’s not really surprising, considering it’s from Doctor Who!). I think it’s always important to remember, that as an introvert, you should never let yourself get too lonely. I’ve partly got used to that feeling of loneliness over the past year, but I think it’s a feeling that never gets any easier. That’s why I really want to stop people from feeling that way. Being introverted, it’s so easy just to lock yourself away with books or films and forget to engage with the world around you. I truly understand that this is sometimes just all you need, but it is important not to shut yourself off from the world, and this is something I am now properly coming to appreciate.

I think one of the hardest things in the world these days is admitting to feeling alone. We live in a world where texting and social media means that you can talk to someone instantly, and so perhaps in many ways, we are truly not alone. But being alone and feeling alone are two different things. And feeling alone sucks. That’s why you need to find someone you trust and can talk openly with, and talk to them. Find a time when you’re both free just to sit and relax and just talk for an hour or two. Talk about everything and anything. A good talk with just one person makes you feel a lot better than a couple of seconds with twenty.

A hand to hold doesn’t need to be a boyfriend or a girlfriend, and that’s always good to remember. Family and friends are there for you too, even if they show it in different ways. Take it from The Doctor himself, a good companion can make you feel a lot less alone. So always make sure you have someone to talk to. Anyone. A hand to hold.

Leave a comment
by Conscientious Ambitioner on June 20, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in Quotes
Tagged , , , , , , ,

Posted by Conscientious Ambitioner on June 20, 2013

https://confessionsofanintrovertblog.wordpress.com/2013/06/20/a-hand-to-hold/

Homeward Bound

I’m sitting in a railway station, got a ticket for my destination…

So here it is, the moment I’ve been waiting for. I have my final exam in the morning, and I’m packing up my belongings as I head home for the summer. It’s been a stressful couple of weeks, and I do apologise for my absence. There have been high points (I managed to get my hands on a coke bottle with my name on it, without being a sad act who searches through all the bottles until they find theirs), and there have certainly been low points (Matt Smith’s announcement of his departure from Doctor Who, me falling down the stairs in the university library). But here I am, I have made it through my first year of university.

Now would probably be the perfect time to talk about lessons I’ve learnt or how I’ve grown as a person over the past year, just like the narrator would over an American sitcom. But to be honest, I feel like I haven’t got any of these to share. In sitcoms, at the end of a season there’s always a big life-changing event – a romantic chase through an airport, a big reveal or a tragic accident. None of this has happened (unless you count my fall down the stairs, which was in many ways, tragically embarrassing) as naturally, these things just don’t happen in real life. All in all, everything just seems a little bit, well… underwhelming. Maybe next year I’ll set off some fireworks as I leave my house, just so it all feels a bit more dramatic.

Despite these feelings, I’ve managed to surprise myself with how sad I am to be leaving. I can’t help but think how much I’m going to miss it here. I realise that yes, it is only for three months, and that there are countless things to complain about here. But I guess that’s the beauty of this messy in-between stage of life that I’m in. It doesn’t matter where you live or how much money you’ve got, it’s all about growing up without actually doing adulty things.

But back to Hertfordshire I go, and hopefully this summer will be full of sunshine and happiness and sunglasses and ice cream. I’m looking forward to sharing my summer with you :)

Leave a comment
by Conscientious Ambitioner on June 14, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in University Life
Tagged , , , , ,

Posted by Conscientious Ambitioner on June 14, 2013

https://confessionsofanintrovertblog.wordpress.com/2013/06/14/homeward-bound/

3 weeks. 7 exams. And so it begins…

Exams, shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art like a British summer’s day – miserable, depressing and always leave you feeling cold. That’s right friends, it’s exam time! Well, I realise some people have already finished their exams, and some very lucky people will never have to do exams again (truly, I’m very jealous), but this is my exam time, and my goodness it isn’t fun!

My first exam is on Tuesday, which means my bank holiday weekend has been less than fun. Revision comes in many forms, most of them being procrastination. Who knew there was a limitless number of things that are infinitely more fun than revising? Watching paint dry, staring at nothing, watching cricket. Luckily, I’ve managed to get past these obstacles at least some of the time and actually revise. My room is coated with a thick layer of notes on everything under the biological sun (does that even make sense? I’m going to say it anyway). From DNA to RNA, phyllotaxy to phylogeny and monosaccharides to mitochondria, my mind is about to burst. I honestly think it has got to the point where as soon as I learn one thing, something I’ve learned previously in my revision just leaves my mind forever.

But what’s the most fun thing about this Bank Holiday? I have an exam on Tuesday, and the student bar about 20 metres across from where I live has decided to have a live music event all tomorrow afternoon, and for most of the evening too. So much for the campus wide noise ban, huh?

But what am I truly thinking about when revising? Is it the idea of getting a first? No. Is it the idea that all this knowledge will one day help to land me an excellent job? No. I’m thinking that the new series of Arrested Development has been released today, and I have 7 exams that start in two days. The thought that there are people in the world that already know what happens is killing me. If someone ruins it for me, I will cry.

So there we have it. Exam time. I’m sorry I can’t post as often as I’d like right now, but I’m stressed out and I’m trying my best. Thanks for being such lovely people, here’s a clip of another brilliant tv show, Green Wing. It perfectly sums up my worries of having exams in a totally new environment.

Leave a comment
by Conscientious Ambitioner on May 26, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in University Life
Tagged , , , , ,

Posted by Conscientious Ambitioner on May 26, 2013

https://confessionsofanintrovertblog.wordpress.com/2013/05/26/3-weeks-7-exams-and-so-it-begins/

‘Feminism’ is a scary word

…Not least because for some reason I just found it really hard to spell. But anyways, where shall I begin? I’ve recently been reading a lot of articles about Feminism and what it means to other people, and I thought I’d have a go at it myself. I realise my thoughts as an 18 year old are probably not going to be earth shattering, but nevertheless, I feel there’s no harm in putting my thoughts out there. I should also mention that my ideas do not represent the ideas of ‘Young People’, as the media like to call us, because if you’ve read more of what I’ve written, I don’t behave like the average teenager – I’m almost too awkward to function. There’s also a chance that being introverted has made me think about these sorts of things more than other people would, or maybe I’m just overthinking things already…

A couple of months ago, I was standing in my kitchen talking to my male flatmates about the idea of feminism. Let me start by telling you that while they didn’t necessarily think of themselves as feminists, they were for the idea of men and women being equal. Great, you might think. Until you understand what they consider to be equal. They told me that England was equal when it came to men and women, and I understand where they’re coming from, it probably does feel like that to them. I did tell them though that women tend to earn less than men for doing the same job though. ‘Well that is kinda fair I guess.’ Err, what? ‘Women go on maternity leave lots so they’re never there’. Well sure, that makes sense… if I were popping out a baby every other day. The average 2012 family in the UK has 1.7 children. Let’s round that to 2. Some women take 6 months off when their baby is born, and assuming they have 2 children, that equates to a year off over their working lifetime. Selfish of women to want more really, isn’t it?

One thing that did come up in the discussion was ‘man-hating’ feminists, and this is something I happen to agree with. I think what’s most off-putting to young people is the idea that feminists have to be butch, bitter women with angry haircuts who refuse to walk through a door that’s being held open by a man. Now, I have nothing personally against these people, but it’s not exactly hard to see why the idea of being a feminist doesn’t really appeal to girls. Feminism is about the genders being equal, and this is what needs to be conveyed to people. It’s not about what you wear. It’s not about having long or short hair. It’s about being good people to one another, regardless of whether they are a man or a woman.

On a slightly different note, one thing the media tends to forget is that men can be feminists too. Just because the word sounds a little girly, it doesn’t mean that you are a woman. It means you’re supporting a cause that strives to equality. And guys, if a woman gives you a hard time for holding the door open for her, you just let go of that door and walk away. There is no excuse for anyone to be rude when you’re just being polite.

I’ll leave you with a quote from one of my favourite people – he is a feminist and he speaks a lot of sense.

boys you want to date

2 Comments
by Conscientious Ambitioner on May 16, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in Random Thoughts
Tagged , , , ,

Posted by Conscientious Ambitioner on May 16, 2013

https://confessionsofanintrovertblog.wordpress.com/2013/05/16/feminism-is-a-scary-word/

Everybody has a secret world inside of them

“Everybody has a secret world inside of them. All of the people of the world, I mean everybody. No matter how dull and boring they are on the outside, inside them they’ve all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds. Not just one world. Hundreds of them. Thousands maybe.” – Neil Gaiman

Neil Gaiman wrote another brilliant episode of Doctor Who which aired last night, so I thought now would be an appropriate time to share this quote I found of his with all of you lovely people.

This quote speaks to me partly as an introvert. When I’m around new people, I often don’t know what to say, and there’s a constant worry in the back of my mind that I’m not giving a good impression. The problem is though, I have trouble knowing what to say and when to say it, and in all honesty a lot of people end up just talking over me. I also have a slight tendency to mess up my words when I speak, which doesn’t particularly help either. So maybe I’m not the most talkative person in the world, but I’ll be damned if you call me boring. When I’m not talking, sometimes I’m exploring worlds lots of people couldn’t even dream of.

There’s so much more to this quote though, and that’s what I love about it. It reminds me of a word I recently came across – ‘Sonder‘. I have linked the definition from ‘The Dictionary of Obscure Words’, but I’ll sum it up  for you now. ‘Sonder’ is when you have the realization that there are millions of people living a world as complex and intense and crazy as your own. Every person who walks past you on the street has their own story to tell, their own likes and dislikes, and family and friends that they care for as much as you care for yours. Yet you’ll never know their story. You might never pass by them again. You won’t remember them an hour, a day, or years later. They’re just a passer by in the life that you lead – an unnamed extra. They’re just as important as you in the world though. It doesn’t matter if you never meet again, their life will continue to go on. They will continue be brilliant, magnificent, amazing people, who sometimes when they’re bored go and dream about different worlds.

Millions of people living thousands of worlds inside their own head. Tell me that’s not beautiful.

2 Comments
by Conscientious Ambitioner on May 12, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in Quotes
Tagged , , , ,

Posted by Conscientious Ambitioner on May 12, 2013

https://confessionsofanintrovertblog.wordpress.com/2013/05/12/everybody-has-a-secret-world-inside-of-them/

« Older Posts